cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

subtext

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in a bad feeling that I cannot discern how the bad feeling started and I cannot see the way out of it. During these times, I wonder where the existence of feeling lies, and how other people find it and separate it from the actuality of events in their worlds.

I know that I have allowed certain situations in my life to create deep-seated mistrust of reality. I am sure that people are saying words they are not actually saying, and I read more between the lines than is actually there. In a way, I think my background in the theatre has exacerbated this seeking for subtext; in preparing a script, I have been urged to understand what it is the character is not saying as much as what she is saying.

This manner of interacting with the world, of being certain that I do not have the whole story and if I just push further into it I can find the one piece of evidence that will turn its outcome, is unhealthy, and I know it is unhealthy. I see it for what it is, and I long for the days in which I believed that everyone said what they meant all the time.

But when I am chin-deep in the reaction to what someone never said, I can only feel bad, the worst sort of it: because my feeling is illogical, all of my attempts at logic as a way out frustrate and depress me.

So my earnest question for you is: how do you separate what someone is saying from what you think they might not be saying?

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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