defensiveness and mutability

Today’s super happy fun therapy summary follows. Comments are disabled.

Defensiveness is the way I deal with any sort of non-compliment. I am using “non-compliment” instead of “criticism” because the latter implies intention on the part of the speaker to criticize, which isn’t always there. In fact, one might say it is usually absent.

After years of not responding at all to non-compliments – merely internalizing them as criticism that was 100% true regardless of what I thought, and consequently hating myself as a result – I picked up this very bad pattern of attempting to prove to everyone around me that my way is valid. Then you won’t have anything to criticize! Or I’ll just criticize it first; you can’t possibly hurt me as much as I hurt myself.

I will listen to what is actually being said instead of assuming it is a criticism. I will respond to non-compliments in a constructive way.

Mutability is not inconsistency. I am not fickle because I focus on one thing very intensely for a short while and then focus on another, different thing for a short while, and go on and on, finding new things to focus on. I come back to what is important to me. Always.

I will no longer judge myself for craving change and new stimuli.

Now I will take ellipse’s suggestion and treat myself to Indian food.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.