cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

listen to your gut

Part one of therapy: listen to your gut.

date nightMy gut instinct has never really let me down, but I have grown accustomed to ignoring it, mostly because of the influence of people in my life telling me I am “too emotional” and need to mitigate this nature with logic and reason. On Wednesday, my therapist and I discerned that I have stopped listening to my gut instinct entirely because of this.

Today I had a day off. When I woke up, I thought to myself, “I should get up and get ready and go to Golden Gate Park, write a bit while lying in the sunshine, and then come back here and go to Flax and stare at the pretty pens.” I thought this because this is my standard procedure during days off; this is what I think I should do when I have a day off.

Instead, I practiced listening to my gut, and my gut said to stay at home, have brunch with Inkbot, read some short stories, write a bit, and relax. So that is what I did, and it felt great.

Tonight I had a lovely dinner date with the MSG. We went to Solstice, one of my favorite restaurants in San Francisco. We relaxed and talked about a wide variety of things, while having some great food, especially the gorgonzola macaroni and cheese. My favorite part happened while we were walking down the street, holding hands, and he suddenly stopped and spun me into him and kissed me. It was so romantic that, although this is such a cliché, my knees went a little weak.

I have a bunch of people to thank right now. The people I’ve met through Flickr this week have been amazing to me. Lara sent me a gorgeous gift that I am cherishing while hoping I get to see her in person soon; it’s been too long. Matt suggested an album, Stars’ “Set Yourself On Fire”, which I’ve been listening to almost non-stop today. And everyone who suggested things for my April challenge … just reading your suggestions has challenged me. Having this journal has changed my life, and I can’t thank you enough for participating.

Without further ado, it’s time to decide my April challenge. Some of the challenges were impractical for time/money reasons, like eG’s movie and poem suggestion, although that was initially the most appealing of the bunch. Also, Mickey, I can’t do my job without using the computer! I wish I could, though it would be so tough to give up this support system I have via the Web. Jim, I wish that giving up escalators and elevators was a tough decision for me, but I’ve already done it because I live in the land of broken escalators and elevators! John, you’re just a big meanie-head for suggesting abstinence, but I (heart) you anyway. Lilybleu, I liked your suggestion a whole lot and I think it’s something I should be doing already, not just for one month, so I’ve started doing just that.

But David is the winner, with “spend time re-acquainting yourself with a part of yourself from whom you feel distanced” and that part of myself is theatre. I haven’t been involved in a theatrical production for several years and I miss it so much. So by the end of April I have to have new headshot proofs, an updated theatrical résumé, and an audition.

Before I sleep, I have to shout out to three more of my peeps who have each come so far since I met them: one is newly engaged and pregnant, one is going through a breakup, and one just lost her grandmother. Their strength is inspiring to me. I hope to inspire them someday.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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