I have emerged from the haze of days of lazing about with the MSG. He goes back to work today, and I am going back to my flat for some cleaning and Zen-petting.
I made some significant changes in 2004, ones that will stick with me for a long time. One of the larger ones was how I approach writing, both online and off. I specifically bought a different type of Moleskine notebook for 2005 – a pocket diary, page-per-day – than my previous sketchbooks and lined notebooks. Without structure, I tend to dwell on the most minor of details, and while in an online journal that level of dwelling has come to be expected, it is unhealthy for me to continue it in my offline life. Here it seems I can vent and then leave it; when I carry around the tangible object of a notebook that contains snotty invective or self-deprecating maundering, I cannot separate myself from what I’ve written.
I wish I had an apt analogy to further this point, but I don’t yet.
And so into the new diary and this site will go notes on my days, things I don’t want to forget, but no extended solo therapy sessions. Because when I write, I focus on what is most important to me, and focusing on the negative is something I want to rid myself of in 2005. It’s one thing to consider what upsets me in order to solve it, and another thing entirely to incorporate that into how I see myself, so that I convince myself I’ll always do what I’ve just done, instead of aiming for better.
My mom sent me “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life” by Anne Lamott, and so far it’s just the right mix of seriousness and humor for the beginning of a new year. Happy First Monday of 2005, everyone.