cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

worry gasket

I should know better than to announce a hiatus. It just never works out that way.

Really, I was in a full-fledged sulk about something offline, and was focusing my sulk on online communication because it annoys me more often than not these days. I’m not talking about comments from friendly folks here; I absolutely adore you and look forward to hearing from you. I’m referring to how email and IM have this amazing capacity to totally fuck up what should be really straightforward communication between people who know each other well.

It is important to note that I am an important component in the fucking-up process. I read into things 18 different ways and send them off to labs to be analyzed for additional subtext. The more I care about someone, the more I worry over what they mean when they say … anything. Anything at all. “Hello,” it could be. I worry over the different tones of “hello”: did it go up at the end? Was there surprise to hear from me? Did it slide downwards, indicating disappointment?

This is exhausting. Maybe I’ll burn out this worry gasket someday and be able to focus on what’s real.

Wait, this is me we’re writing about …

Anyway, I’m back and I’m over myself for now. My gorgeous Recife Crystal fountain pen arrived yesterday, and while the nib is a little thicker than I’m used to, it writes like a dream. I figured out this “podcasting” thing so I could listen to Amy Goodman’s Democracy Now! as well as Air America Radio on my way to work in the mornings. The MSG and I are about to head to the farmer’s market, and I can’t wait to nibble on free samples and watch the sunshine slink brightly over fresh veggies and flowers.

[Update: IMWatching is pretty amazing to me, but also quite creepy. From the site: “IMWatching is a free web service that lets you generate reports of when your instant messaging buddies log on, log off, go idle, mark themselves away, and more.” If that’s not made for worry gaskets, I don’t know what is.]

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

∞