Today I feel like posting my answer to some silly name meme that was circulating months ago. It had something to do with names. I think. Here goes:

If you call me Halsted, you are at least acquainted with me, and most likely a friend or colleague.

If you call me ‘Sted, you’ve been introduced to me as such, either by me (unlikely within the past ten years) or by someone who was introduced to me as such.

If you call me Kelly, you work at the Peet’s I visit weekday mornings, where I give a fake name for my order because no one, not anyone, hears me correctly when I say my name and that’s just too damned much time to spend buying a cup of coffee.

If you call me Boss, Captain, or Ma’am, you are one of my sarcastic employees and I adore you for it.

If you call me Bernard, you are one lone professor at work who still can’t remember my first name even though you’ve said it. Multiple times. Over the past three and a half years. So sometimes you just say my last name, like that’s so much more feminine than “Halsted”. I do not understand.

If you call me Keymaster, you are an art professor who dubbed me such after ordering many sets of keys for various parts of the library building. (I call him Gatekeeper.)

If you call me ‘Sted-o, you are Paul-e.

If you call me Hal9000 or Halsy, you have a death wish.

If you call me Cygnoir, Cyg, or Cyggy, you are someone I know only online. Or you think French portmanteaus are hot. Or both.

If you call me Carinah or Cari, you know me from DruidMuck or another muck/mush/moo.

If you call me Saran, as in Wrap, you met me on a BBS or DDial between ‘85 and ‘92 while I was using the handle “saranrapture”. (Hey, it was better than my other one, “princestuous”.)

If you call me Joey, you are either Sonny or Rocco. (Yes, I have friends named Sonny and Rocco.)

If you call me Cara, Cara Mia, Cara Bella, Cara Cotti, or other variations on this theme, you are my dad or someone else in my very Italian family, except …

If you call me Hals [sic] Mentholyptus, Blanche Marie, Wonkyhead, Smoo, Sparkleface, or The Evil Dara, you are my mom. She likes making up names for me. A lot.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.