cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

but silk is worm until it’s spun

maybe sometime i can stop listening to whatever it is the whatever it is that i am listening to the songs that wreck me totally inside and out make me feel hollowed-out eggshell waiting to be blown away with any breath

i do not remember being normal i do not remember being born and i do not remember being in first grade but i remember you o yes i do

dreams last night and i knew that he bought that table after we split i knew he bought it but then i saw it and it made me wonder why he bought a photo-processing table and when i looked out the window and saw the pond with fat splotched koi in it i exclaimed and he held me and i didn’t know what to do

o how i never know what to do

and i do it too

my horoscope is staring at me again and i really should unsubscribe from all the signs pointing to severing ties and all the signs pointing to cleaning house and all the signs i am tired of seeing all the signs i am tired of paying so close attention to when where are the rest of you where is your attention and why can’t we all see the same sign at the same time

this song again this song if i have to hear it again i’ll scream i’ll pull something out something dramatic like my hair or a gun if i had a gun but i don’t want a gun i don’t want anything that i don’t need i don’t want anything or

yes i do want something

but just one thing

and i want it and crave it it’s not a bowl of lucky charms it’s not a print of rothko’s no. 14 1960 it’s not a sense of well-being it’s not a vicious kiss against a refrigerator

although that’s close closer than the others and maybe too close

thought tonight i would drive i would go up the road really fast and something would fall into place as the music played and the songs i didn’t want to hear would tear through me that would be just what i wanted just what i want

and if i ended up in a place i started to know that wouldn’t be so bad if i started to recognize the street signs and if i didn’t get lost on the way that wouldn’t be so bad would it

instead i go back to work in two hours and send someone home then stay there for three and a half and i don’t especially want to but i will because i do want to take care of someone and he needs my help

and then it swings the other way and i need help i want to be taken care of but i don’t know how to ask for that i never did and instead like last night i just hid in my purple and eggshell blankets and i hid and watched the phone ring

and you might think this deal is done but silk is worm until it’s spun you’re still on the lilypad

Current mood: Current music:

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.