cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

no more drama

As you might have ascertained from hints here and there, things with the MSG are proceeding apace, and in a wonderful, relaxed, and genuine way. I say “things” and realize that is vague, but I’m not sure how to describe it otherwise. We have been out on ten dates now, and I feel like each time we see each other, it gets better and better. Neither one of us is dating anyone else, and neither one wants to. I don’t know that that means we are “exclusively dating” at this point, or if we are about to enter what could be called a “relationship” – I just don’t know. I suppose there is more talking to be done on the subject, but for now, I am happy with where it stands. Very, very happy.

I’ve never had this before. I’ve never had this level of intensity sans drama, this level of compatibility sans difficulty. Sure, we haven’t had trying times yet, and that will be our first true test, but I feel like neither one of us is allowing anything to cloud what we’re discovering together, and that is a remarkable thing for me.

I’ve finally grown up, and I am dating someone mature and self-assured, and I’m loving every second of it.

However, there seems to be a crimp in another area of my life that I am trying very hard not to affect what I am building with the MSG. That crimp involves someone I spent time with over the summer, who consequently moved away. We had an incredibly strong, intense connection that was forged in just about two months, and I felt – still feel – that we are meant to be close forever. We did not enter a committed relationship while he was here, and when he left, we clarified that while we cherished what we had, we each were free to date and lead our lives and be happy.

Right now, I feel that I am being punished for doing just this, whereas I have been totally supportive of him seeing someone else and finding happiness in his new home. I have been completely straightforward with him; I told him before I went on my first date with the MSG that I was going, and I told him afterwards that it went well and I was going to see the MSG again. Shortly after that, he told me he did not want to hear anything about the MSG, and so I obliged. But a good part of my social life involves the MSG these days, so that means not telling him quite a bit, and he’s taken my silence on the subject – the silence he requested – as some sort of refusal to open up to him.

So now he is “taking a break” from me, whatever that means, and I am incredibly disappointed in him. Perhaps this has to do with self-preservation for him; perhaps he feels that if he does not withdraw from me, he will be hurt as I continue to grow closer to another man. That is all well and good, but I feel I deserve more than a two-line email on the subject. Maybe that is all he can muster right now. While I am usually a very compassionate person, right now I am merely annoyed with him. He says that I’m “taking a break” from him, myself, but I don’t know what that means. No, I’m not online as much as I used to be these days. That is a GOOD thing. That means I am actually leaving my house and socializing and having a good time.

There were three key points in which I distanced myself from him, and I told him so. The first was when I realized his departure was imminent, and I needed to back off or I was going to get really hurt (or feel abandoned, c.f. a recent post on the subject). The second was when he arrived in his new home and started talking about how he was thinking of staying instead of coming back here after a year. I was incredibly supportive while he talked all that out with me, even though I was disappointed to think that he wouldn’t be coming back. The third was when he told me he had been seeing someone. I knew that was coming, but it still stung, and in the ensuing weeks I put my remaining romantic feelings for him away. At that point, I half-decided not to go there to visit him for the holidays.

After his treatment of me on the MSG subject, the other half of my mind was made up. What good could come of me going there? If I still had feelings for him, going there might rekindle them, and then I’d come back here with even more confusion and hurt. If I didn’t, and he expected me to, it could be a miserable two weeks. And if I just went to visit a friend … well, to be honest, I’d rather spend that time with my family than visiting a friend. Even overseas.

The bald truth is that I no longer have romantic feelings for him, and the continuing drama calls the friendship into question, as well. This all takes up so much of my energy, energy I want to spend having fun and discovering myself. Is it wrong for me to be selfish in this way? I do not want to let anyone down, but this is the first time in my life I’m able to explore without someone else’s rules deciding how and when I explore. I need to be a little selfish now, I think.

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