cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

perfect for what

A beautiful raven-haired woman just stuck her head into my office and said, “How tall are you?”

Slightly shocked, I responded, “5’3”.”

She smiled and said, “Perfect.”

“Perfect for what?” I wondered, while blinking at her.

“Nevermind, just something in my head,” she replied, and wandered off. I have no idea where she went.

I don’t know how to just be. I want to learn how to just be, and feel, and think. Instead I think about being, think about feeling, think about thinking. I don’t understand how my friend Matt can be so simultaneously hilarious and reassuring, but a phone call from him last night was just what I needed. We talked about this idea of being present, being in the moment, and I made him laugh by saying I wanted to be in back in a previous moment or forward in a future moment. That’s not what he meant, of course. Just be.

I tried to just be when I went out on Friday night for drinks, SFMOMA, and dinner with someone I’ve just met. I wrote about it in my offline journal and I’m glad that I did, since I feel quite strange about discussing it here. I am considerably more private than I thought I was. Anyway, it was a wonderful evening, very comfortable and fun, filled with good food, fine art, and intriguing conversation. I need more of all of that in my life. I must admit to being bemused by the whole “metrosexual” thing, but it’s good-natured bemusement.

Saturday I spent the day with Sam and Ryan in the City. We had a picnic in the sunshine in Golden Gate Park and then dropped Sam off at the CalTrain station so she could head south to further plans. Such a social butterfly! Ryan and I drove around aimlessly and talked for hours, then wandered around the Metreon, and then went to see “Bubba Ho-Tep” which was quite enjoyable. I always enjoy talking with Ryan, even if lately I seem to be flooding with him information instead of being more of a give-and-take friend. I suppose there are cycles to every friendship, so if I’m more of a talker now I will even that out later by being a better listener. He has been a pillar for me recently, and I’m just so lucky to know him.

I’ve felt good about the level of friendship and support I’ve been able to give Brina lately, as she handles a wide assortment of emotions and experiences. Sometimes I get frustrated because I default to this calm, rational place when talking with her about various things, and she needs to have her feelings validated first and foremost. I feel like I validate her feelings by being the port in the storm, as it were, but she needs it to be more overt. My sense of diplomacy often gets in the way of that, but I think I have learned how to do it without compromising myself. That’s quite an achievement for me, and I think our friendship is the better for her also internalizing the fact that I am calm for her because that is what I am good at when my closest ones are in crisis.

And FunkyPlaid is so far away, and sometimes I just want to reach right through the vidchat and hug him tightly and say it will all be okay, everything will be okay as long as we can count on each other’s support and understanding. After all, what else is there? The number of things I know to be true decreases as I get older, but I still know that good people in my life make me happy, and that is what I will focus on for now.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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