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Barbie Sex

So I’ve been thinking about Barbie Sex.

I remember a time when I was very, very concerned about my Barbies. My favorite one was Malibu Barbie. She had tan lines under a teal bikini. To this day, I love tan lines. They fascinate me. I think getting an even, all-over tan is silly when you can have tan lines! Anyway, unlike many little girls my age, I hated Barbie’s long blonde hair. I preferred the brunette Barbies because they were pretty, like my mom.

Then my mom got her hair “frosted” (ah, 1981) and that was the end of that.

My friend Molly would come over and we’d play Barbies. Molly had a bunch of Barbies and a Ken, but I only had a few Barbies and a G.I. Joe. My mom found G.I. Joe at the Ben Franklin. I think he cost all of fifty cents. He was Ken-sized, but had dark brown hair and blue eyes. I found these much more appealing than Ken’s features. G.I. Joe had very handsome lines in his face: smile lines. He looked kind. He wore camo, and had big black plastic boots. I think he even had a gun, but of course I lost that first thing. Also, my friend Jary’s dad’s name was Joe, and we all had crushes on him, because he was a firefighter, a rugged sort of man, and he kinda looked like G.I. Joe.

Needless to say, Joe was way more popular than Ken. And when it came time to play Wedding Then Honeymoon, Ken was relegated to best man status, while Joe was always the dude getting hitched. Poor Barbie had to wear this white lace showercap because we didn’t have an actual Barbie-approved fashion wedding gown for her. It made her look like a lace factory barfed out a teepee.

The honeymoon was the best part. Someone would lie a Barbie down on her back on the makeshift bed – usually consisting of Legos with a pastel flowered sheet draped over them – and then put Joe on top of her. Sometimes, if it was rigorous sex, someone would hold Joe and mash him onto Barbie in what we would understand much later, as grown women, was the unsexiest groove ever. But hey, Joe got points for enthusiasm.

Western Barbie

When I got older, I got Western Barbie as a present. She had very thick blue eyeshadow and a tacky white sparkly cowgirl outfit. When you moved her bent plastic arm, she winked. Even though I was not exposed to much television as a child, I instinctively knew that this was Slut Barbie. Slut Barbie would often try to steal Joe away from Mrs. Joe. Joe would be tempted, but he would always make the right decision in the end. And then Joe and Mrs. Joe would have crazy mashing sex to reaffirm their love.

Now that I am older, I can confirm a few things:

  1. I never got over my thing for boys with dark hair and blue eyes and smile lines and big boots.
  2. Crazy mashing sex is important in the reaffirmation of love. Seriously.
  3. Knowing really IS half the battle. The other half involves crazy mashing sex, as far as I can tell.

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