cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

the ocean did not grant my wish

This weekend has been a doozy. I’m not quite sure why I’m so sapped of emotional strength right now, but I feel like burrowing in and not leaving my apartment for a while. Maybe a month.

Friday night was captured in my inaugural audblog post, so I don’t need to recount that stupidity. Saturday I woke up, eyes bleary and gritty from tears the night before, to email from someone close to me that upset me greatly. Instead of continuing the volatile volley, I picked up the phone and called him. It was a difficult conversation, but we clarified and sorted things out, and I am hopeful that in the future we can work on our friendship. Right now, I just feel worn, and unable to contribute much externally to anyone at all.

I got ready to leave and drove to David’s in the city, meeting Brina there, who was dropping off her kitten Weasley so he wouldn’t be alone all day. After a quick Safeway trip for party supplies, Bee and I headed to Milpitas for Jim’s housewarming party. When we walked in, I was a little concerned, because I didn’t know many folks and they were all good friends, and I’m always uncertain of how to insert myself into that dynamic.

I was so very glad that Bee was there. We teased and poked at each other the whole time, and folks told us that we were terribly entertaining. It’s funny; I don’t think of myself as an entertaining person at all, although I know Bee definitely is. But we cavorted and laughed and generally had a good time talking with everyone. The food was delicious, and I had a whole wheel o’ shrimp cocktail to myself, thanks to Jim’s kind efforts. Everyone was just starting to watch “Treasure Planet” (which I have yet to see) when Bee and I decided it was getting late and we had a whole other evening plan to attend.

On the way back, Bee and I talked about all sorts of things. We drove into the city and alongside Ocean Beach and as I looked over at the sky, clouds and water, I remembered the first time I walked along Ocean Beach. It was the day after Chad and I had arrived in San Francisco, and Ben took us there on the N-Judah. I remember it being horribly cold, although it was just a little over four years ago, at this time of year. I also remember tears welling up as I greeted the ocean. She accepted my wish, but it did not come true. That’s okay now.

Bee and I passed the Cliff House, which I had never seen before, and drove through Seacliff to marvel at the mansions and the view. We even stopped at an overlook to take a few photos with my Palm. Here’s one I liked because you can see the Golden Gate Bridge in the background:

San Francisco Overlook

As we marveled at the view, I realized I am in love with San Francisco. Despite, or perhaps because of, all of the things I’ve lost while I’ve been here, this place is home. It began when I lost my grandfather in 01999, up through my father’s heart surgery and my grandmother’s death as well as my divorce in 02002. This year has been difficult, as well. I am coming to understand that healing from pain, and letting go of it, is much harder than living through the pain as it’s happening. Some days I just wish I were healed already. I am tired of my friends worrying about me, worrying about how I am coping. Not that I don’t appreciate the love; I definitely do. But I am tired of seeming like I can’t handle all of this. I am handling it. Maybe not well, in others’ opinions, but in mine – the one that matters most – I’m doing great.

After Bee and I got to David’s, we went to Albertson’s for food, then back to David’s for more episodes of “Invader Zim” and games. We played “Barbie, Queen of the Prom” – no, I’m not making that up, but god, I wish I had – and David was QUEEN! (I was Princess.) Then we played “Basari”, which is a new game to all three of us that I really like. I was exhausted at that point, so I drove home in the pajama bottoms and t-shirt that Bee lent me. And my biker jacket and boots. Such a fashion plate.

Today I haven’t done much at all. I woke up fairly late, fiddled with QuickTime Pro and my iSight to see if I could make little movies with them (I can!) and then emailed back and forth with FunkyPlaid. He said he’d call me later on, so first I watched a movie that was recommended to me by someone in my creative writing workshop called “Scotland, PA”. It’s an update of that Scottish play, set in the ‘70s in a fast-food joint. I loved it, especially the hippies, who were a terrific depiction of the witches. FunkyPlaid called right near the end and we had a nice twenty-minute chat before his bedtime. I finished the movie and decided it was time to shower and get the hell out of the house.

I found myself at Borders with Xavia, and successfully got her onto the T-Mobile wireless network there. That was fun! I had a latte and chatted with two guys I know who work there. It’s a nice feeling, to be known around the place I live. I like that about work, too. I wrote a bit, finished an email, and iChatted too. Jason called to let me know he had arrived safely in San Francisco. I hope to have dinner with him tomorrow night, or soon. When I came home, I worked on my mom’s website for a while before I got cranky with it. And now I am pondering which book to read before bed.

I’m in a halfway space right now; I am so glad I live alone, and at the same time, I miss being held as I fall asleep. I sometimes joke about my short-term memory but it’s not really short-term. I have my own filing system; I remember things. I remember what it is like to fall asleep in someone’s arms. If I didn’t remember, I wouldn’t be so lonely for it right now. I remember a lot of things.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

∞