If you do it, you do it for yourself, bright and gleaming your-self, shining at your-self in the mirror. Toothpaste in hand, saying, “I’m going to be the star today. Today, I’m going to get everything done.”
If you do it, you do it because you cannot stand to see him suffer, you never could, even when you were so angry with him that tears froze into amber drops in your throat, trapping every single word you never wanted to say. They fall out anyway, in time. In time, we all fall out.
If you do it, you do it because you want to be loved, really, by everyone, but not sex-love, just the huggy-love, the love that says, “You’re so neat! I love you just because!” Just because you share every single intimate moment with the world, just because you have a webcam and you have slept on it, and the drool on your pillow has been captured by people you don’t know.
If you do it, you do it because Mom and Dad love you a lot and would be disappointed, so sad, so upset that you are not maximizing your potential in this world if you didn’t. Mom and Dad have poured love and money and harsh words and gentle ones into you; Mom and Dad gave you life. Do not disregard Mom and Dad because their time here is, theoretically at least, and we hope, shorter than yours.
If you do it, you do it because the cat needs to be fed and her litter changed. She needs pets and reminders that she is important to you, or she will gnaw chunks of her own skin off, and horrify you, and make you feel like an abuser, a neglecter.
If you do it, standing at the sink, superstar glint in your eye, you do it because you have to walk out that door, and step after step you have to get to work, and there is the world depending on you to show up, deliver your lines, hit your cues and marks, react accordingly with breath and voice and eyes. You do it because to not do it means that They – not conspiracy-theory They, but cynical-judging They – have won. They were right about you. They knew you would fail, and They will be there to write the journal entries about your failure, and They will spread the word in perfectly formatted text. And people will read. And people will know. People will know you’re not perfect, that you don’t remember to do things like pay the phone bill or do laundry, that you procrastinate turning in applications, that you fall behind and behind in favors you have promised. People will know you’re human, that you are this broken thing left behind by a life that didn’t fit, that you meant to make it fit, you really did, you wanted it to fit, and then all of a sudden you didn’t anymore, and your counselor says that’s okay and your friends say that’s okay but is it okay? Is it ever okay?
If you do it, you do it because I tell you to. I will you to. I will you to pick the shit up and go on. You will not be beaten down by the stupidity of the world; you will not listen to Them. Go, do it. See things. Be.