cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

tired of talk

Sometimes I am just tired. Tired of dealing with the drama that surrounds a complicated life, especially when some aspects of that life change drastically and suddenly.

It is true: I avoid publicly discussing problems in my relationships. Because of this, most people who know me assume that everything is fine. Then something is obviously un-fine with me, and people are confused, and even upset. And people talk. And assume, and speculate, and talk, and talk, and talk …

This is human nature. Sure. I dig. I’m also exhausted by it, so very tired of being the object of gossip that’s not even meant to hurt me. It’s just talk, right? People do it. I know. I should suck it up and move on.

At the same time, I am so very tired of sucking it up. I want to tell people to shut up. I don’t like saying “shut up” because when I was little, my mom told me it was equivalent to swearing. It still feels like it is. But there are days when I just want to tell everyone to shut up.

I asked for it, isn’t that the standard line? I asked for it because I attempted to juggle a terribly difficult set of things, multiple romantic relationships at once, with people who also had complex lives. I asked for it because I tried something that didn’t work out. I messed some shit up. I hurt some people. I made some mistakes.

But I also made some very good choices. I cared about some people. I fixed some things.

It’s not at all clear who’s right and who’s wrong. There aren’t sides to take. Everyone has a story. I wish people would stop trying to tell mine.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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