cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

around the mirror

It was only a matter of time before one of the student assistants I supervise joined LiveJournal. He told me about it; I nodded and smiled. Internally, I am quite nervous. If he finds me here, then I’m, well, “outed” for the various and sundry things I am. Word spreads quickly on small campuses, and people love to gossip, especially about other people who seem so squeaky-clean at first glimpse.

I am a coward, because my first reaction was to delete my LiveJournal before he could poke around too much. I’ve been – no surprise here – irritated with my online presence, or rather with how much of my life I have been living online. This would be an easy out: to take it all down, delete it all, start anew, under a pseudonym even, or just leave it gone. Too much of me is on display, I know, and I’m not even talking about the webcam.

But I am even more stubborn than I am cowardly. If I am not myself – even if that self changes daily, even if that self can be discriminated against, gossiped about, disliked for the labels placed upon it – who am I?

I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t keep peeking around the mirror: what I see is what I get. What you see is … what you get?

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

∞