like a trooper

From email to my mother:

thank you, moomers, for emailing. i was going to email you after rehearsal (just got home) since dad said he was going to let you know. i am not okay with this at all but felt i had to be “a trooper” as he put it because … what choice do i have? i got off the phone and cried. then we had to jump in the car and go to rehearsal.

i do want to fly to PA for his surgery, but it will happen right in the middle of the run of the play. if the play doesn’t go up (see other email response) then i will try and go. i may ask you for a loan, in that case, as i’m very broke.

i have no idea how to react, in truth. my head is still spinning and i swear, against all probability, my heart has started hurting in sympathy….

I would like to be able to journal properly on this subject. It’s impossible, since I’ve been up for four hours Γ³ alternately crying and throwing things and drinking water because being this melodramatic is indeed dehydrating Γ³ and I haven’t figured out a thing to say other than the obvious: my father will have to have heart surgery very soon. The “very soon” could be Monday.

My father told my mother I took the news “like a trooper.” What he didn’t see is the fallout, and that’s good; that’s the last thing he needs to see right now. I pulled off a small bit of acting on the phone with him: stay calm, remember to breathe, be cheerful, act positive.

I am not at all okay. But what choice do I have?

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