cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

spring ahead

I wasn’t going to post anything, and then I was, and then I wasn’t again. And now I am.

There’s not much for me to report. I’m writing quite a bit in my paper journal. Yesterday, my dad and I sat down with a stack of old photo albums and I saw myself as I was just-born, 1, 2, 3 years old and up to 11. That year, the year my parents split, the year so many times I wished had never happened, and yet in all those pictures I was so happy and smiling. Sucking it up, or blissfully ignorant?

I waited for some baby drive to jump-start as I looked at all the pictures, all the people making such a fuss over bald, frowny baby-me. Nothing. Maybe I am indeed broken. I will let the parentals down, again. This is how this version goes.

While it is unseasonably warm here, in the upper fifties, with the snow melting rapidly, it snowed three inches in the Bay Area. Am I always in the opposite place? Spring will happen soon there, but not here; here the winter will extend past all patience, until the snow is really just ice-mud, and then it will creep gradually into sight, bud by tender bud. Back West, it merely springs.

Despite the tone of these paragraphs, I am happy. Glad to be here. Needing to be here. Sunday night I spent quite a bit of time with Pas, as I expected to; we catch up in a wonderful, strange way. There are no awkward gaps in conversation, just a steady stream as ever, and it’s more now-and-future than it is past, which is good. I would hate to only know the past with my old friends.

(And friends, you know. It’s sometimes easy for me to focus on what other people have said about how bad I am at various things, friendship being one of these things. I know that I am a good friend, and I have proof when I am around my friends. I remember details about their lives; I check in, and ask questions, and am interactive and supportive of their lives, and do not cloy or strangle when they need more room. There have been exceptions but this is the rule.)

Pas is Pas, funny and smirky as ever, with both hope and sadness in his eyes. In the past I felt an overwhelming need to shelter him, but now it’s obvious he is taking care of himself, and doing it well, and that is just excellent to see. I hope to add some pictures of him here when I get home.

I will attend one of my dad’s lectures tonight, and tomorrow we’ll have trip-preparation before heading to see my grandmother. After a few days there, it’s on to my mom’s house for a week. Today I think I’ll walk the dog, read a little, and spend more time offline. It’s so easy to fall back on checking email when there is a choice of what to do, but I don’t want to fall back anymore. I want to spring ahead.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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