cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

the familiarity of risk

I had originally called Mom to sing her a song; we used to sing duets in the car, and this one called “Tonight You Belong to Me” by Patience and Prudence. (You might have heard it sung by Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters in “The Jerk”.) I have infected Chad with this me-meme, and he transferred it back to me, and so I wanted to call my mom and sing it to her, complete this circle.

The phone rang, and it was Lara, so we chatted for a while until Mom called back and I, in my infinite mobile phone wisdom, answered call-waiting by transferring Lara to my voicemail, then hanging up on both of them. Glorious.

When I did have my mom on the phone, I was too nervous to sing to her. As I hung up the call, I regretted it.

My yearning for Thai food Saturday night turned into a phone call to Luny turned into email from her Sunday afternoon turned into boysenberry-slathered cheese blintzes and easy conversation at 9 p.m. Sunday night.

And we talk about taking risks, we all do. Sometimes those risks are in simple things, like vowing to attend JournalCon this year, even though I’m not entirely sure I belong there. Does it really even matter, at this point? You know, that “it” can be so many things; I’ll leave it there, to be speculative and vague.

Sometimes the risks are bigger, like actually planning to meet up with some of my old high school chums, people I have avoided these ten years because of the memories that seeing them will dredge up, 90% of them bad, dark memories, and possibly undealtwith resentment. Ah, fair repression.

The biggest risk of all will be to be honest with myself about who I am. I am not a fair or gentle person. I have avoided confrontation, to the detriment of communication. I jump to conclusions and I can be rash and illogical. I believe wholeheartedly and then turn, and do not apologize for my fickle eyes. I have dropped a held hand, a few times, for only my own reasons.

Your risk is, knowing this, to like me anyway.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

∞