jumbo jumble to go

a very weird and altogether unpleasant feeling is when you want to leave a place but don’t want the place to want you to leave it. and the place, giving some vague gesture of not wanting you to leave it, makes you want to not-leave it and leave it simultaneously.

i think i need a drink. a triple hazelnut latte sort of drink, but a drink nonetheless.

these are the moments in which i would have a cigarette, take a five-to-seven minute break from life to refocus and recenter. since i don’t smoke anymore, i merely waffle uselessly at the keyboard, picking apart the words i misspell. waffle. waffle. waffle. why do i keep typing “waffel”?

flattery will get you nowhere. honesty will get you nowhere fast.

this is the very last wednesday afternoon i will be here. we’re coming upon the “very lasts” all this week and i care and don’t care all at once.

some “very firsts” this week, too. monday was the very first time i met jon in person, and it was even more fun than i expected. and i have pretty high expectations, see. we had lunch at café claude and talked and the time whizzed right by. and tomorrow, lunesse and i will have our very first hot dogs from the hot dog stand around the block.

i am beginning to get nervous. at the same time, i don’t think i realize that after tomorrow i won’t be working here anymore. sarah and i agreed in the hallway just a little while ago that it won’t sink in until monday. it won’t.

sarah and some of my other coworkers took me out to lunch today, to yank sing for fabulous dim sum. i don’t understand why i felt so guilty for leaving. it’s time to go. i can’t fix everything; i can’t stay everywhere. it’s time to go.

please, for once, could i be of one mind? could i contain only one set of thoughts, of feelings? i don’t always enjoy existing on every passing breeze, in every raincloud or beam of light. i wish i were separate from the world for a whole five minutes, so i could understand what really exists inside me as opposed to outside me.

stop, please. one moment while i catch up. i’m almost there–

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.