sick of

so yeah, in case you are wondering about the drastic lockdown action here, it’s because i have yet again stumbled across a scurrilous yet cleverly vague mention of my journal and what i choose to write in it in addition to how i choose to write it and it’s just stupid but i am completely affected by it so nyah-nyah i’m shutting the doors that were once so generously (or so i thought) propped open.

i have so much shit to do. really. so much. and yet i am still ensnared by this stupidity. i go through the same rigamarole: i shouldn’t care about what people think of me. i don’t know how not to care. i have left people i no longer associate with alone, and what do they do? talk shit about me. there is just no need for that. none. still i protect their identities like it’s so honorable but the truth is i can’t bear to give them more publicity. it seems to be just what they want, and i can’t do it. nor will i confront them about it. what good does that do? it gives them the attention they seek, the validation of their creepy little insinuations.

why do i even trust people at all? i am so fucking tired of this happening; most of it can be traced back to one source, too. if i had known about that person what i know now, i would have made some very different choices with that friendship. i would have ended it a lot sooner than i did. better yet, i would have avoided it entirely.

if i were keeping score, i’d have to say that for each close friend i’ve made in the past three years, i’ve lost two. this is so utterly depressing i can’t even deal with it right now. and yet what do i get when i trust people? let’s see: i get emotionally and financially screwed over, and then, and then if that weren’t enough, i get dissed publicly too.

i won’t even get into the passive-aggressive comments made about me by people who are supposed to be friends. the little digs here and there that won’t ever be brought up to my face, that i find out second- or third-hand and have to either pretend they never happened or approach the “friend” diplomatically and request an explanation.

well, you know what? fuck this. i’m a good person and i know it. if someone’s got something to say to me, do it to my fucking face. have the courage, have the honor, to face me and say it. from here on in anyone who shits on me will be held accountable, and yes that is a threat. i’m tired of being nice all the time, regardless of how i’m treated; you can see where that gets me. disrespect will earn you disrespect. end of rant.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.