cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

ten

the escape from work was jubilant, friday. i had too much to think about and the mind was deadened by familiar, time-dicing tasks. i wanted to leave the city; even as it was bathed in all its warm sunlight, it tired me.

that night, i hung out with chad and chris, and finally helped chris set up a webcam on his temporary webpage. i was so excited to do this little thing that i pretended not to notice how late it was. chad was working on game preparations and before we knew it, it was 03:00 saturday.

saturday morning, later, came after jumbled dreams, and we sorted ourselves out but i was still pretzel-bendy in the head when we arrived at chris and clay’s. luckily i had some moments to untwist myself, sitting next to chris in his car as we drove to fetch food and coffee. i am confused about chris. it’s hard for me to have such a close friend who is almost a decade younger than me. sometimes i spend an entire evening lecturing him about his life, and other times i could care less about being the big-sisterly type, i just want to be a goofy friend. almost always i find myself reaching out to him, or maybe for him, and getting irrationally upset when things don’t go exactly as he wants them to. maybe this is a part of what it feels like to have a little brother. i feel protective of my other friends, but nothing like this; i am almost as protective of chris as i am of chad.

well, i wanted varied experiences in the realm of friendships … i’m getting them. who would have thought that gangly kid chad taught in alabama would come to such significance in my life. such an odd world.

more untwisting needed. there is a possibility i would go away for a year to earn my masters degree. the perhapses range from not very far away (san josé) to pretty far away (washington, louisiana or illinois). at once i am nervous and curious: a whole year? could i do it? i think i could and the indication i’m getting is that it would make a significant difference in my development as a fledgling librarian. i don’t know. chad is of course supportive, which makes my decision that much harder but better. we shall see.

twisty, turny. the game on saturday was good, rife with angst and subterfuge, the way i like it. on sunday i was a little off, physically, and decided against hanging out with lunesse, even as much as i wanted to. i did finish the wooden sea; the ending was apt but a little unfulfilling. overall, it is still a very good book, one that i have already recommended. my writing partner and i worked more on our project in the evening, and then i slumped onto the couch next to chad and enjoyed his company before we both crashed.

hot flashes haunted my waking moments in the middle of the night; i needed two glasses of water to calm down; there were bouts of queasiness and confusion; dreams were pinned and pinpricked by nightmares; i even pushed the cat off the bed, too close too close. running to the bus stop this morning, i thought it’s time to work out harder, longer, so my lungs don’t close up again. a year ago when i quit smoking i convinced myself that was all i had to do to be in better health. yes, a smart person like me: these are the ways we talk ourselves out of proactive lives. gasping for breath, for air (goddamn just some air is all i want am i asking all that much of you lungs), you know i’m that out of shape. my high school jeans don’t fit anymore. a decade has passed; i know because i just got an email about my ten-year high school reunion. ten years between me-then and me-now, between me-now and chris-now. i was in damned fine physical shape back then, emotionally a mess. is that my trade-off?

maybe i’ll just do some sit-ups.

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I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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