Dear Mr. Rosen:
First let me congratulate you on a comprehensive and entertaining Web page dedicated to the Water Club at the Registrar’s Office of UCSC. It has been a long time, a long time indeed, since my own college days, and I enjoy reminiscing about all those crazy water-induced memories of my youth. This might sound a bit old-fashioned to a young person such as yourself, but I once was dared to chug not one but THREE very cold glasses of water!! I immediately got sick and had to be rushed to the emergency room. Turns out the “water” was actually Liquid Paper. I thought they looked a little thick!! Boy, those were the days.
But that’s not why I’m writing. No, I have a rather serious matter to discuss, and I feel that you are the only person in whom I wish to confide. You see, a horrible crime has been committed in my workplace. I no longer feel safe in our office kitchen. One morning, I entered the kitchen to retrieve my second mid-morning glass of bottled water from our esteemed water cooler and the bottle was GONE!! Mr. Rosen, you could imagine my shock, alarm, disturbance, revulsion, and horror that someone would even consider such a heinous act. As my lips and throat parched I felt myself lose consciousness from the shock of it all and I did not come to until hours later in the emergency room. (Which reminds me of another story from my own college water club days – ho ho ho, those tricksters dared me to drink not one but eight pints of Visine sterile eyedrops! I thought it was strange that water would come in those little plastic flasks! They say the brain damage wasn’t permanent, but that’s how I got the nickname “Twitchy”!! Wow, what a stroll down memory lane.)
Anyway, back to my story. I immediately called 911 to report the felony. I couldn’t believe it – the police would not even file my complaint!! I called and called until finally they put a very nice man on the phone who said that I had to stop calling or he’d show me just where I could put my bottle – do you know what that means?? I don’t!! All I know is they wouldn’t help me!! Mr. Rosen, I know I am one of the many admirers of your work in the field of waterclubology but I could think of no other person who might be able to help me. If you could take some time out of your busy, busy day and refer me to someone, anyone, who might be able to help me solve this terrifying mystery, I would be forever grateful.
Peace & H2O, Halsted “Twitchy” Bernard.