cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

time warp: 23-24 nov

having thanksgiving dinner at gramma’s hasn’t been an option for a few years now but i don’t mind it so much. after all, i have to put myself in her shoes: eight people crashing soundly into her blissful solitude – and it is blissful; she loves being alone and tells us this quite frequently. so we leave the kitchenish bits of her house intact, and go out to eat, the whole family.

my cousin was rather unamused at this, and made it known to everyone by sulking. i felt awful and resentful and avoided him most of the trip because of it. he sulked all through a very, very good family-style turkey dinner, too, and afterwards when we went to my aunt’s sister’s house for desserts and company, he sulked right through that.

i was like this, not long ago, i had to keep reminding myself. because i was. i wouldn’t get my way and i’d sulk over it. it was one of the things about myself i worked hardest to change when i realized just how upsetting it was to other people, not to mention how it blew all chances of me recovering and having a good time. it’s difficult when we only get together like this once a year; i couldn’t ask someone to “set aside” long-term depression, which i suspect he may be struggling with, just because we were all visiting, but at the same time, i could ask him to try.

but i wasn’t in a position to ask at all. melissa, my stepmom, did it for me; she is ever the diplomat, while i seem to have frozen off to the side somewhere. i wish i still had faith in my ability to communicate with people, but that’s been utterly destroyed. my faith, that is; i suspect the ability lurks somewhere underneath the self-doubt.

i spent so much time knitting. this is weird to record, like writing, “i spent so much time breathing.” wow. it’s fascinating, isn’t it? i suppose knitting is the closest i get to meditation these days. focusing on a length of yarn and two needles and the pattern that emerges from them can be so – dare i say it – cleansing. so many things that caused me confusion before the trip are clear now. i think my problems lie in unfocused energy, and how i feel when that energy is either ignored or released unproductively; when i focus my energy on a tangible goal, it does wonders for my memory and my insight both.

so after everyone had gone to sleep that night, i knitted and chad read, side-by-side on the couch as the temperature dropped but didn’t force the snow issue, hovering around chill. my toes froze and i dreamed of woolen socks, even though i’m allergic to wool … (to be continued)

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

∞