cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

holidaze

i’m getting into the food mood. in five days, we are flying to detroit to spend thanksgiving with my dad, stepmom, grandma, and uncles and aunts and cousins. i’m very very very excited, and so thankful (already) that my dad could afford to buy our tickets. we’ll be there wednesday through sunday, and i’m looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing, away from work, as well.

zen will be boarded, as usual, while we are out of town, and so she had to get her yearly vaccination last night. for the first time ever, she hissed and growled at me when i tried to take her out of her cat carrier in the vet’s office. i felt so terrible. chad made fun of me, since i was acting like her bad behavior was something i could control. “it’s a cat!” he laughed. “she’s my kid,” i sighed.

afterwards, we ran to the grocery store. i decided to make an upside-down pumpkin pecan pie, and all day i’ve been eager to get home so i can flip it over and see how it turns out. if it tastes good, i’ll offer to make another when we get to detroit.

tonight we are having dinner with chris and his girlfriend, jody. i’m glad chris found someone special here in california, doubly glad because i had nothing to do with it. fixing people up, or attempting to, gives me stress more often than not, and i need to stop.

it’s tough, though. i often become, because i’m “chad’s wife” to all his friends, asexual. the default role of the asexual wifelike-person is the matchmaker. i hate this role, but at least when i have this role then people are forced to interact with me. pathetic, huh? i also have a hard time saying no when asked for a favor, especially when i believe i can really help.

i don’t like saying no, and i don’t like telling people to back off, or leave me alone, or treat me differently. i generally don’t like confrontation. in the past i’ve allowed myself to be taken advantage of because of it. these days i’m learning that a lot of personal interaction is training, in a sense. you can train people how to talk to you through positive or negative reinforcement. i enjoy the former and abhor the latter, but each are necessary in different situations. my biggest lesson to learn is this: avoidance of confrontation may seem like a peaceful solution, but really it just drags things out in the end. i appreciate everyone who has told me “fuck off” and made a nice, clean break, regardless of how much it hurt at the time. better that than to be ripped slowly apart by a hundred acid hands of days.

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I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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