after posting my last entry, i re-read it and it sounded awfully whiny to me. instead of deleting the entry, i decided to leave it. whiny or no, i don’t believe in editing out the grainier self-shots just because they’re not pretty.

i am, however, embarrassed that i continue to avoid taking care of this part of my life. and since i really don’t like being embarrassed, i have decided, starting today, to take care of it.

so instead of waiting till i feel witty enough – or even just awake enough – to write adequate replies to email i receive, i’m just going to start shooting stuff off. this is not to denigrate the unedited email reply, but i’m very self-conscious about how i come across in email and so i tend to take a very long time with responses that require more than a yes/no or a definition. this cycle needs to change. i don’t need to feel this self-conscious, really, and i have a feeling that i’m using that as a means to procrastinate and also to avoid disagreements and confrontations.

for a few weeks i toyed with the idea of downloading email to my palm pilot in order to answer it on the bus or during my lunch hour, but then i decided against that because i do need some time for myself, without email.

also part of this plan is setting aside clear times for me to be online from home. that way, i don’t feel like i’m pressured (by myself, of course, not by others) to stay online longer to answer more email or to be available to chat on icq or irc.

in addition to all this, i also need to be clearer with people – to their faces, not through journal entries, heh – about how much free time i have. i can’t keep presenting myself like i have an unlimited amount of time to spend just because i am eager to spend it. (i have already improved this aspect of my life somewhat, with mostly positive results.)

and, lastly, i have to be honest with myself about what i want to do at any given time, as opposed to what i need to do. example: i want to spend time chatting with people on irc but i need to finish editing a poem so i can submit it for a deadline next month. i really suck at forgoing short-term fun for long-term happiness, when it comes to online stuff. we’re talking major suckage, here.

there. have i redeemed myself from all that whining yet? the first step is admitting i have a problem, right?

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.