be the vulcan

i’ve only been here two hours and thursday has already exploded and been reassembled – with the wrong kind of glue, but reassembled nonetheless.

i arrived to a less than cordial response to my very cordial email to the designer, basically saying that it was me who had “dropped the ball” (that’s a quote) and the message had been copied to a few higher-ups. dropped the ball. i repeated this phrase to myself as i read it. dropped the ball.

no. you know what? i didn’t drop the ball. the ball was thrown to me a day too late, but i didn’t fucking drop it.

and so it all could have been worse, as i started calling companies a third time to check on the status of these blessed samples. it could have been worse because i could have actually dropped the ball, and right now been feeling responsible for the screwing-over of someone else’s hard work.

still, it seemed all very lame and frustrating. it only got more so when my boss came to talk to me. the designer had written him email, copied several higher-ups and not me, and proceeded to assign the blame directly on me. i was appalled, really. my boss assured me that none of this was personal and that he would handle it.

he apparently handled it just fine because the next person who came in to see me was the designer. apologizing without saying “i’m sorry” which is okay; i know how hard it is to say those words sometimes. she assured me that it wasn’t me, it was the stress of the project, the frustration with things not being here when she needed them. i was very calm and agreed that the situation sucked – it really does suck – but i reiterated that i had done everything in my power to get what she needed here on time. she agreed that i had done what i could, still saying that we need to do what we can to fix the situation. which i was already doing, but okay … sure. done.

i don’t think that it really matters what was said between us, because i know it will happen again, and the blame will fall on me again, and these are just givens and i have to deal with them or find another job. and in a way, if i wanted to be pragmatic about it, i could say “that’s not right; the system should change if it’s that screwed up.” sure. but it’s still going to happen again; people blame other people for their own poor planning; we have all done this at some point, and are all likely to do it more than once.

the reason for me recounting all this in here is because i have to remember this day. i have to remember this day in which i did not lose my shit. this is a personal milestone. i could have freaked, ran and hid in the bathroom, cried, yelled, anything, but i didn’t. my inner vulcan took over and although she was appalled at the amount of emotion running rampant in my psyche, she calmed it all down.

now if she’d only teach me the vulcan neck pinch …

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.