let’s face it: timezones suck. how many times have you tried to order plastic laminate samples from a company on the east coast that had the nerve to be closed for the day? let’s not even mention all the cool european people you’d like to chat with in more than ten-minute spurts right before either you or they are going to bed! i’ll tell you what, i face these troubling issues every day, and so i submit my proposal to do away with timezones and establish the one true timezone: ‘stedTime.
a world on ‘stedTime would be a happy world indeed. none of this “spring ahead, fall back” shit to remember. the ‘stedTime would fluctuate as ‘sted saw fit. every workplace would be on a flexible schedule as each individual reached inside to get in touch with her or his unique ‘stedTime. it feels like three o’clock in the morning, you might say one day, but it’s only eight p.m. do away with the latter half of that sentence! if it feels like three o’clock, it is three o’clock! unless, of course, ‘sted feels like communicating with you, in which case you must always be open and at your phone and none of this butt-sucking voicemail-tag, either. i mean, come on, you’re not fooling me. i do the same thing: sit there at my desk and stare blankly at the phone as it rings, or hear it from across the library and think, yeah, it’s someone actually needing something, i’ll let my voicemail get it, maybe they’ll change their mind and give up. but they never do, do they? they never … give … up. always with the questions and the needing me to do things like help them and do i get paid for this? does it look like i get pa–
um. yeah. where was i? ah yes. ‘stedTime. it is a glorious, meaningful thing. each person wakes up and checks the ‘stedClock. if the clock says that ‘sted is awake, then it is time to get up! if the ‘sted is occupied elsewhere, then the individual may nap or tend to other biological essentials as s/he sees fit.
but if the ‘sted wishes samples, your butt better be right next to that phone. the end.