cygnoir.net

cygnoir.net

let go

i spent only three hours with pas and then had to say goodbye again. i have cramps. and my purse broke.

other than these pathetic bits, i have been having a perfectly wonderful visit. i even enjoyed loretta lynn in concert tonight at the county fair. no, i’m not being facetious.

pas and i drank coffee and talked about the nature of reality, death, relationships, and why the hell we went to niagara falls in the middle of the night to have sex, back when we were dating lo those many moons ago. it was our anniversary, and we got all dressed up and then decided it would be a sooper idea to drive to niagara falls. so we did. the falls were closed. we pictured a gigantic faucet, turned off. we ended up in a donut shop. i had a panic attack in buffalo on the way home. there was no sex, either.

we smiled fondly at each other across the table. that was the best part. the look that says, we have been through these things together; we will be through more things together; i like you. stick around.

but the more i hold on, the more i realize i have to let go. to experience more, to get more from people, you have to be able to move past what they were before, into what they are now. pas and i are obviously no longer lovers, and this is a good thing for both of us. i had let go of this already. what i hadn’t let go until tonight is that i miss him, not us. it’s okay to remember something happy without wanting it back.

this trip was too short. i wanted to see more friends, and to let go of more, to know more about the now-them. but pas is by far one of my closest friends, the closest i have here, and if i could only see him this time around, then so be it.

in a few hours, we are off to michigan to visit my grandmother, just for the day. i may be fully out of contact until sunday night. this is advance warning so you don’t let go of me just yet.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.

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