just like i said i would last night, i finished the laundry and cleaned the bathroom. and went to bed really early because i was just too pathetic.

it’s difficult to articulate this mindset, because it is more than just having a wonderful visit with someone so important to me, and then her leaving to go home. it’s about how my entire life seems to be an endless chain of partings. i can’t decide which goodbyes hurt worse: the expected ones, at the ends of visits and conversations, or the unexpected, the sudden severing of emotional ties that begs resolution but finds none.

surely there’s less pain in knowing you’ll see the person again, logic says. but there’s no guarantee that when you see them again, things will be the same. in fact, you could even argue that since we all change, even a little, every moment, you will never see the same person twice. even if you could, you wouldn’t be the same person when you did. so they’re really all the same kind of goodbyes, no matter what comes next.

people worry about me when i get like this because in the past i’ve had the tendency to spiral downwards at the slightest hint of sadness. it’s not happening right now, though. now i’m just hovering. i wonder what changed, and when.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.