just go

okay, so i was happy yesterday about chad getting exactly what he wanted, with the jeep.

what about what i want?

i found it on the side of mount tamalpais, gripping the steering wheel, giggling madly as we swung around the switchbacks. it’s fun, see. the jeep is actually fun to drive.

i thought i had left “fun to drive” indefinitely behind three years ago when even a five-minute trip to the store for cigarettes would leave me breathless, panicked, heart-pounded and damp with sweat. the humiliation would wash over me in adrenaline static as i threw the car in park, filling my ears as i gulped air. this from a girl who learned to drive on the expressways of chicago, i would remind myself, disgusted. furious with myself. pitiful. i’ve driven maybe twice in the past year, since i left my beat-up ‘88 toyota corolla back in birmingham. that car was my test-dummy and best friend since i got my learner’s permit; it had been the first car my mom bought herself new, and she gave it to me in ‘92 when i moved back to pennsylvania. 166,000 miles, three different homes, countless memories.

somewhere, somehow, i recovered. not completely, of course; i still refused to get on the expressway this afternoon, and will have to ease back into that. it doesn’t all have to happen today. but the sheer fact that today i drove, for fun, and i wasn’t afraid … that means i’m getting better. stronger.

we took more pictures as we wandered through marin county, nowhere in mind to go, just going. the jeep is merciless on curves and so i am merciful inside, easing the urge to go fast, faster, more with healthy splashes of morbid paranoia.

60 miles today. i’ve got some catching up to do.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.