so, yeah. i finally convinced myself to go to bed – it’s always a struggle, over the weekend, since i don’t like wasting any bit of it – and promptly had a nightmare. most of the dreams i consider “nightmares” have to do with people i love knowing the specific time and/or manner in which they will die. i am the one who is told next, and while they seem to be completely at peace with it, i am not. i spend the nightmare running around, frenzied, trying to tie up loose ends with them, trying to make sure i can understand why they’re going before they’re gone.

it’s not a problem i wrestle with, at all, in my waking life, which makes it even more interesting that i spend so much dreamtime on it. while i’m awake, i tend towards the “death and grief are natural” frame of mind. lately i’ve been feeling that resolution is as elusive as anything that attempts to instill order in chaos: it can look like it’s working, even for the long-term, but our long-term is the universe’s eye-blink.

in my nightmares, death and grief can somehow be prevented, and resolution can really help; it’s just me who fails to accomplish the necessary steps in time. where did i get these ideas? are they vestiges of my old belief system(s), or do i still believe, and my waking ideas are merely my own form of … resolution?

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.