let go

i have started to post something about five different times now, each time something less coherent than the last. it goes like this:

hi. it’s monday and i am sleepy would you like to babysit my elephant while i regurgitate the fklfewtieotr2358923 fseoihfweg.

there’s quality literature, right there. read it? i live it, baby.

mostly i have been offline. my computer puked service-failure alerts at me first thing this morning, so it got slapped around by the i.s. people. i’ve also been a little burned out on the online gig, having dsl at home now. to recuperate, i dove headfirst into house of leaves and its creepiness is beyond compare.

i am embarrassed at how seriously i’ve taken myself in the past. i’m also embarrassed at how seriously i’ve demanded other people take me. let’s change this right now: i’m just a human being. just like you. no more, no less. (if i were more, do you think i’d be working for a living? hell no. i’d be consuming jars of nutella and pots of coffee for a living.) i am inconsistent and not because it’s hip; i am also mistaken, fallible, even ignorant at times. this is nothing new. this should not surprise anyone. why are we all surprised?

this doesn’t mean i don’t take responsibility for my own shittiness: i do. i’m not proud of the times i have bashed other people over the head with this is who i am and you have to deal with it or go the fuck away. so much more could have been accomplished with a little less severity, a little more understanding, maybe a joke or two. nothing excuses people being awful to each other, and they know it, and you know it. no one is fooled.

what brought all this on? why, the daily office drama, of course. i am a fly on the wall, with a headset; i see it, hear it, as it happens, sometimes before it happens. it’s all priority-one, to steal a joke from the lucasland i.s. department. if everyone marks their problem, their situation as the most urgent, what happens when the real trouble starts? we’re all already at this fever-pitch of lifepain, and there’s nowhere to go. the resources have already been depleted. we’re already at each others’ throats, so all there is to do is squeeze tighter.

or, let go.

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.