world record

i have figured it out. i know how i will achieve fame and/or notoriety in my lifetime. i will get into the guinness book of records for the longest time putting some guy on hold while convincing him i am actually looking up the project manager of a project he does not have a project number for when as we all know, kiddies, every project has a project number, this is not a hard concept, the ideas of classification and categorization are old ones, and alphabetizing is even older, although you wouldn’t know that from this bloody project list because it’s sorted by project number, thus leading back to the original point which is that there is very little i can do in a situation like this except put the guy on hold and look through the eighty-five billion projects listed – sorted by obscure seven-digit number, not name, how fucking useful – and not find it, no not even in eighty-five billion projects, there is absolutely no project, building, or street with that name, sir, i have checked three times now, i swear it on the heads of the children i am unlikely to bear, i swear it on the cat i treat like my own offspring, i swear it on your sweaty patchy sunburnt nose and your audi and your nokia phone with the ringtones that drive me absofuckinglutely mad, i swear it on you mistaking me for your personal slave, i swear it on whoever has the misfortune of being your executive assistant or whatever the glorified term is for people like me who support people like you, i swear it on the concepts of decency – is there decency left? it’s wednesday and i haven’t seen any decency yet this week – and of respect for your fellow human being, although there is no room for respect for your fellow human being what with all the condescension in your tone, you whuffling middle-management hobgoblin.

there’s a category for that, isn’t there?

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.