i am taking myself out of the lunchtime loop at work. it’s quite obvious i’m not giving off the right “i want to be here” signals, which is regretful but unsurprising, given my approach to coworker friendships. i think i’m supposed to do more polite laughing and chatting, and less sitting quietly and listening. also, going out drinking after work helps the dynamic, it seems. and since i’m unwilling to make any of these accessions, i should excuse myself.

still, it makes me a little sad, because it’s hard to want to fit in somewhere and yet admit that i really don’t. i think previously i was much more eager to do whatever was required just to make people like me, and for some reason that’s not the case anymore. i’m trying to pinpoint when that changed.

i do like my coworkers; that’s not the issue. i just wouldn’t like who i would have to be to be liked by them. (try parsing that sentence!)

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