thank you, darius, for andrew plotkin’s koan. i recognized myself while reading it, and grinned madly.

the grin was much-needed. i am stuck in a little loop of monday self-pity. a huge group of workfolk and friends hung out outside for lunch today, and i wasn’t at all social. i could sense my attention drifting away from the group, and instead of attempting to re-engage, i concentrated very hard on my tuna salad and crackers. i wasn’t rude but i didn’t talk much, and now have spent the rest of the afternoon berating myself for (a) falling back into old social patterns, and then for (b) berating myself for it, because as we all know, i respond not at all well to criticism.

i think i withdrew because people started talking about drug-use and other heavy partying stuff, and that always makes me uncomfortable. why, i have yet to figure out. i’m not anti-partying, although i don’t, aside from the occasional drinking-to-get-and-stay-buzzed evenings. maybe it’s because i feel left out …? no idea. i’ll have to think on it some more.

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