“Is that her?”

“I don’t know, she has a laptop … short hair …”

“Yeah, but does it look like her?”


“Does it look like her?”

“I don’t really know what she looks like.”

(Pause.) “You don’t.”


“Neither do I.”

“Oh.” (Pause.) “At least parking’s only a dollar an hour.”

ï ï ï

“Yes, we’re having a great time. Bea told me how to say ‘go to the bathroom’ in German.”

“Well, there are several ways to say it …”

“Yes, but she told me the BEST way.”

“Was it [insert polite German phrasing here]?”


“Ah, it was [insert less polite yet still polite German phrasing here]?”


“Okay, what was it?”


“O god.”

ï ï ï

“Should I be talking?”


“I wondered if you wanted me to say something, instead of just being quiet.”

“Um, noooo ? not unless you want to say something.”

“O, okay.”

ï ï ï


“It’s 4 a.m.”



“I know. Chocolate?”

“Well, are you ready to go?”

ï ï ï

“Are you serious? I’ve quoted you a hundred times.”


“Yes! I say, ‘As my friend Halsted says, “It doesn’t lessen the suck factor.”’”

“Hm, sometimes I am quotable.”

ï ï ï

“Have you written any of these DOWN?”

“Yes, I have fifty-two ideas in my PalmPilot. Want to see?”

(examination of PalmPilot ensues)

“Do you realize that if just one of these fifty-two ideas actually works, you would change society?”

“That would be cool.”

“So write a grant proposal! I’ll help edit it!”

“But what if it doesn’t work?”

ï ï ï

“So am I paying for this?” (gesturing to landmass of chocolate on drugstore counter)

“Do you want to pay for it?”

“Well, if you want me to pay for it, I will.”

(To drugstore cashier) “This is married-code for, ‘I do not really want to pay for it but I feel the need to cover my ass in case you expected me to.’”

ï ï ï

“So have you made a decision about your medication?”

“Yes. I want to taper off the dosage as soon as possible.”



“Yes, ‘okay’. What did you think I was going to say?”

“I don’t know, maybe something along the lines of, ‘Don’t sue me if your head falls off.’”

ï ï ï

“So where in San Francisco will you be living?”

“We don’t know yet.”

“Have you ever been there?”


“So, um, … wow.”


ï ï ï

“A surprise party, yeah! And a cake, too!”

“Really, what kind?”

“A Tennessee Williams cake!”


“Okay, not only was that totally obscure but it was lame too.”

“They got you a glass cake?”


ï ï ï

“Your new haircut reminds me of Charlize Theron in ‘The Devil’s Advocate’.”

“With or without the grotesque Southern accent?”

ï ï ï

“So you’ve really never been to San Francisco before?”


“Wow. You’re brave.”

”… or something.”

ï ï ï

(after 1.5 hours in U.S. Customs) “I am the most-checked person on the planet.”

“What happened?”

“Well, after they performed a RANDOM CHECK on me, they wanted to search my pack for explosives. I told them, ‘Please do; if there are any in there, I would like to know too.’”

ï ï ï

“I love my Rubik’s Cube. Thank you for getting it for me.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Now can you solve it for me?”

“I bought it – YOU solve it.”

ï ï ï

“I can’t believe you weren’t scared!”

“It wasn’t scary.”

“How can you say that! It was terrifying!”

“It was creepy in parts, not scary.”

“So you’re going to tell me that ‘The Shining’ was scarier than ‘The Blair Witch Project’.”


”‘The Shining’ was just WEIRD. Not even creepy.”

“O, come on. When the kid turns the corner on his tricycle and the twins are standing there. Scary.”

“We have such wildly different interpretations of scary. I don’t think I can live with you anymore.”

ï ï ï

“So when are you going to San Francisco?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“How are you getting there?”

“Flying, I think.”

“And what will you do when you get there?”

“Work, I suppose.”

“Aren’t you nervous?”

“I burned out my last nerve about a month ago. Feels great.”

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.