true confessions

Kite says, “evenin” Halsted says, “evenin” Kite tips her hat Kite says, “i am wiped out” Halsted says, “dad just asked me what we’re going to do for fun.” Kite says, “and you snickered disturbingly” Halsted says, “and i said ‘we’re supposed to have fun??’” Halsted er. Halsted said five points, botanical gardens, boardgamers, thai restaurant, etc. Kite says, “you said body piercing and maying!” Halsted says, “like i’m telling dad about those.” Halsted says, “my dad can barely accept the fact that i’m married. i think me having a girlfriend too would stop his heart.” Kite grins Kite says, “So how are things tonight?” Halsted says, “tonight they’re okay. karawynn called me then mac called me.” Kite nods Halsted says, “i didn’t really want to talk on the phone at all but it was okay.” Kite says, “maybe in another year or two i’ll be one of these pesky calling people” Halsted says, “work up to it.” Halsted says, “just dial a few numbers peskily to start” Kite says, “Ok” Kite says, “can I do it without the phone plugged in, at first?” Halsted says, “yes.” Kite practices Halsted says, “do you ever wonder why we don’t talk on the phone?” Kite says, “Yeah, except I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m a weenie” Halsted lol. Halsted says, “we’ll talk in person, right?” Kite umm Kite says, “You mentioned gardens and piercing and stuff, not TALKING” Kite says, “Do you ever wonder why we don’t talk on the phone?” Halsted says, “damn.” Halsted says, “yes, i wonder about it all the time.” Kite appears to be idling in hopes of receiving another line Halsted lol. Halsted says, “you’re driving me craaaaaazy” Halsted says, “you get to say flippant stuff and i have to do the serious stuff.” Kite says, “is that good or bad?!”

[ snip. imagine some steamy scene here if you like. fade to black. moments later … ]

Kite says, “I am also starving and tired and emotionally exhausted.” Kite says, “and i dont know what the hell I will write for tandem toniight. whose idea was this daily stuff?! oh.” Kite says, “I like what you have been doing with different kinds of entries.” Halsted says, “sorry – said goodnight to chad.” Halsted says, “you do like it?” Kite says, “yes, I do” Halsted says, “i’m so glad you like it.” Kite says, “it’s like a journal, where you put all these different kinds of things in. It’s neat.” Halsted sparkles. Halsted says, “it’s really important to me that you like it.” Halsted says, “i don’t know how to say that in a nice way.” Kite says, “well, you should do what you do even if I do’nt like it..” Kite says, “but I’m glad that my liking it makes you happy :)” Halsted says, “it’s very important though.” Halsted says, “your opinion matters to me.” Halsted says, “not just about writing, either.” Halsted says, “although writing too.” Halsted says, “about all sorts of things. about just about everything.” Halsted says, “okay, that’s mushy enough for me” Halsted says, “remind me to call the piercing place tomorrow and make sure they do daiths.” Halsted says, “how do you pronounce ‘daith’ anyway?” Kite says, “call the piercing place tomorrow and make sure they do daiths” Halsted says, “i thought it was like ‘faith’ but on the body mod site i saw it says ‘doth’” Kite says, “well, I read somewhere.. yeah, that.” Kite says, “but I only hear people say it like faith.” Halsted says, “weird.” Kite says, “because nobody reads body mod sites for pronunciation guides.” Halsted says, “i’d hate to call them and say ‘hey do you do doths?’ and them say ‘sure, we do goths, preps, geeks, all kinds of people, y’all come on down’” Kite says, “I would call them and say do you do, er, daiths or doths or something?” Halsted says, “‘hey, do you do the piercing that’s like inside but not really but kinda so if you take your ear and go around the upper par–’ ‘yes, we do daiths.’” Halsted says, “what if they say, ‘what’s that?’” Kite says, “If they do piercings they should do them. my left one was the first one the chick had ever done.” Kite says, “then we run screaming” Halsted says, “and then i say, ‘uh, you don’t know? you goddamn freak’” Kite says, “I think mine is 20g” Halsted says, “and then they say, ‘hey you fucking bitch, i’m gonna kick your ass’” Halsted says, “and then i say, ‘o yeah, just try it you jerk fuck’” Halsted says, “and then they say, ‘i’ve got caller id, i know where you live’” Halsted says, “and then i say, ‘yeah well at least i know what a daith is’” Kite laughs Halsted says, “then i think it’d be a stalemate.” Halsted says, “my life is a hypothetical situation.” Halsted says, “hypothetical needles” Halsted says, “ha ha.” Halsted says, “what if we see them lick the needles to sterilize them?” Kite says, “then we run screaming.” Halsted says, “okay cool.” Halsted says, “there are lots of things that could happen that would require us to run screaming” Kite says, “yeah” Halsted says, “but it’s good that we’re in accordance” Halsted says, “so we both run screaming.” Halsted says, “because it’d be terribly embarrassing for one of us to run screaming and the other just to sit there.” Kite says, “we need a ‘let’s run screaming’ hand gesture, so we can make sure we’re in sync.” Halsted says, “i think it should be a quick golf-clap followed by an armpit-fart sound.” Kite says, “I can’t do armpit farts” Halsted says, “neither can i. damn.” Halsted says, “okay, well, a quick golf-clap followed by a loon call.” Kite says, “I can’t do loon calls” Kite says, “we could call like a giraffe” Halsted says, “fuck! i can’t either.” Kite says, “three times” Halsted says, “giraffes call?” Kite says, “it’s a silent call” Halsted says, “o. i could learn those.” Halsted says, “okay, giraffe call three times, then run screaming.” Kite says, “we could do guinea pig noises. boik boik boik” Halsted says, “i think we should use some of our online conversations as entries. they’re funny.” Kite says, “Ok” Halsted says, “wow, really? i thought for sure you’d say no.” Kite says, “But whose?” Halsted says, “whose what?” Kite says, “well, they’d be tandem entries. hey, we haven’t done any tandem entries.” Halsted says, “they’d be tandem entries.” Kite says, “I was wondering whose entry it would be.” Kite says, “but I forgot it was, like, tadem” Kite +n Kite silly me Halsted says, “let’s do a tandem entry tonight, and have it be our conversation.” Kite says, “Ok, so let’s have a really funny conversation” Halsted says, “okay, go.”

(long pause)

Halsted says, “this is pretty cool. i think folks are going to dig reading this.” Halsted stares at the floor. Kite says, “Well, they don’t see the pauses when reading logs, unless we take pains to point them out.” Halsted says, “o, okay.” Halsted says, “no more spoofing pauses, then. sorry sorry.” Kite says, “Just stop spoofing pauses, and we’ll look witty as hell” Halsted says, “fuck yeah. witty. we. are. witty.” Kite says, “I feel like of like throwing up” Kite says, “kind of like. dammit, I can’t type with an audience.” Halsted says, “throwing up isn’t funny.” Kite says, “I’m all flustered.” Halsted says, “we don’t have an audience yet.” Kite says, “I’ve spent a lot of time flustered, lately.” Halsted says, “we’re just us for now. audience later.” Kite says, “it’s not entirely unpleasant.” Halsted says, “flustered is a good adjective to be. i’m proud of you.” Kite says, “but it’s girly. maybe that’s where that part of the dream came from.” Halsted says, “girly is not bad, contrary to your belief.” Kite says, “girly is bad in the context of me flouncing around and wearing dresses” Halsted says, “for example, i am girly, and i am not bad.” Kite says, “it’s like bad drag” Halsted says, “well, i don’t flounce or wear dresses. well, i wore a dress to get married.” Kite says, “ok. but flustered is ok.” Halsted says, “you’re female, though. i mean, don’t you self-identify female? or do you identify either?” Halsted says, “to be in drag, you’d have to … i don’t know what you have to do. i’m new to all this gender stuff.” Kite says, “I self-identify female, as an afterthought part of the time.” Halsted says, “most of the time i just think of myself as a person, and then remember later i’m female, like when i get my period, or someone looks at my boobs.” Kite says, “well, yeah” Halsted says, “i don’t recognize my physical being very well” Halsted says, “‘hey, shit, that’s my physical being. don’t wave. pretend to look busy.’” Kite says, “I’ll point out who’s you, in some pictures” Halsted says, “okay good.” Kite says, “that’s you on the stedcam” Kite says, “See? wave.” Halsted says, “she didn’t wave back.” Kite says, “it wasn’t taking a picture then..” Halsted says, “o. man, her site is lame.” Kite says, “maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.” Halsted says, “this is nice. i like hating myself in the third person.” Halsted says, “she doesn’t have any graphics except that stupid icq indicator. what the hell.” Halsted grins cheerily. Halsted says, “the moon’s caught in the tree, someone let it out.” Halsted says, “o maybe that’s a streetlight. ha ha. woo.” Kite says, “Sorry, pizza just got here” Halsted says, “i don’t know about you, but i’m thinking this is just witty as all get-out.” Kite says, “moon won’t be full till the 30th” Halsted says, “aha, when you get here.” Halsted says, “did you plan that?” Kite says, “So it’d be nice if you’d just give, if you’re a werewolf and you’ve been denying it.” Halsted says, “no one’s asserted anything for me to deny.” Kite says, “failing to volunteer it is just like denying it.” Halsted says, “o, we’re doing the lies vs. lies of omission argument.” Kite says, “Well, I would HOPE you’d TELL me before we got this close!” Halsted says, “so, let’s just chat here: what if i were (correct use of subjunctive?) a werewolf?” Kite says, “correct” Halsted whews. Kite says, “well, if you were a werewolf, then we could both run around causing carnage on the 30th.” Halsted says, “so you’re saying you are a werewolf.” Kite says, “I said no such thing.” Halsted says, “i always pictured you as a werebat.” Halsted says, “but i guess that would be hard.” Halsted says, “but we agree bats are good guys, so.” Kite says, “Aren’t those vampires?” Halsted says, “ha ha, love the injokes.” Halsted says, “vampires, shmampires.” Halsted says, “vampires don’t exist. werebats do.” Kite says, “oh right. vampires don’t exist.” Kite says, “jinx” Halsted says, “and bats eat bugs.” Halsted says, “buy me a milk!” Halsted says, “i’d be a wereswan. they’re not very scary.” Halsted says, “or a wereplatypus.” Kite says, “Shae never did send me my prize. What a jerk.” Kite says, “I mean, er” Halsted says, “i never figured out the code and i feel so lame for it.” Halsted says, “everyone else is smart enough to figure it out but me.” Kite says, “I didn’t figure out what the code was till other people did.” Kite says, “I just guessed by substitution, because I guessed that the thing that looked like an email address was his email address.” Halsted says, “that’s not true; i thought you were the first to guess it.” Kite says, “I didn’t figure out it was dvorak keyboard though” Halsted says, “shae loves dvorak keyboards.” Halsted says, “which i still don’t really understand.” Halsted says, “the keyboard, not the love.” Halsted says, “i understand love.” Halsted says, “no i don’t.” Kite says, “Do you understnad love for keyboards?” Halsted says, “i understand affection for keyboards.” Halsted says, “i have great affection for my keyboard.” Kite says, “I love my keyboard, now that it’s back from the brink of a soupy death” Halsted says, “i spilled coffee in this one.” Kite says, “Did it fuck it up that bad?” Halsted says, “i have greater affection for my new keyboard that does not work gdmt.” Halsted says, “for a while, the cursor keys wouldn’t work and it got stuck on the letter ‘l’ and that just made typing hallllllllllllsted. very difficult.” Halsted says, “actually, no; it made typing halllllllllllllsted. very easy.” Kite says, “I pried off all the keys and cleaned the board last night, but goop got inside” Halsted says, “it made typing halsted. very difficult.” Halsted says, “i never pried off all the keys.” Halsted says, “i was scared.” Halsted says, “to see its underbelly.” Kite says, “it was like a major hairball in there.” Halsted says, “gross.” Kite says, “but ti’s clean now” Halsted says, “i don’t want to ever disassemble a keyboard.” Kite says, “except for these pizza crumbs” Halsted says, “what kind of pizza?” Kite says, “well, there’s a difference between prying off the keys and opening up its guts” Kite says, “it’s not really pizza, it’s pokey stix” Halsted says, “prying off its keys is like – wait. you’re eating something called POKEY STIX???” Halsted says, “what the fuck is a pokey stix?” Kite says, “From Gumby’s.” Halsted says, “you are shitting me.” Kite says, “I am not.” Halsted says, “there is no restaurant called gumby’s.” Kite says, “ , babe” Halsted says, “o that’s just WRONG.” Kite says, “pokey stix are breadsticks, sort of.” Halsted says, “with sauce on them?” Kite says, “no sauce, that’s why they aren’t pizza.” Halsted says, “man, that’s sick. they turned pokey into breadsticks.” Halsted says, “and gumby into pizza.” Halsted says, “and you’re sponsoring this.” Kite says, “they have deals called things like the Pokey Pleaser” Halsted says, “no WAY!” Halsted says, “that’s just downright naughty.” Halsted says, “‘the pokey pleaser’ sounds like a dildo.” Kite says, “now legal in alabama” Halsted says, “because it’s food-based.” Halsted says, “and god made food, god is good, la la la.” Kite says, “god made the elements of plastic, too” Halsted says, “no he did not.” Kite says, “well, as much as he made anything” Halsted says, “what are the elements of plastic?” Halsted says, “i mean, he had to have made some of them.” Kite says, “I don’t know. Plastic and stuff.” Halsted says, “why the fuck am i arguing the christian viewpoint?” Halsted says, “why do you do this to me?” Halsted stomps about. Kite says, “If god created the earth, he created all the elements on it.” Halsted says, “plastic isn’t an element though.” Kite says, “So whatever we make out of anything, we’re making out of stuff God made, so what is the probleml” Halsted says, “the problem is, we are creating new things out of what god made. they’re not god’s creations, they’re ours.” Kite says, “So is a peeled carrot” Halsted says, “unless you argue that god made us, therefore, god has a patent on everything we make.” Halsted says, “fucking copyright laws.” Halsted er. Halsted says, “as far as i’m concerned, god put a bunch of dirt and water and amoebas and sunlight and stuff and mish-mashed them all together, then went on vacation for the next hundred millenia or so.” Kite says, “so god ultimately created everything, because it all descended from stuff he put there.” Halsted says, “‘let them sort it out.’” Halsted says, “well, depends on what you’re calling god.” Halsted says, “the christian god no.” Kite says, “since I am agnostic, this is all quite academic to me.” Halsted says, “the concept of god, the theory of a superbeing that exists outside and throughout our consciousness, yes.” Halsted says, “maybe there’s no god.” Kite says, “except I fail to believe in that.” Halsted says, “who knows.” Halsted says, “i don’t.” Kite says, “superbeing that is.” Halsted says, “not anymore.” Halsted says, “superbeing sounds like a cool superhero.” Halsted has a temporary agnostic hat on. Halsted puts on a nametag: HELLO! MY NAME IS halsted. Halsted says, “okay where’s the conference.” Halsted says, “i want to drink beer and talk about not knowing if god exists or not.” Halsted says, “i guess that’s like philosophy huh.” Kite says, “I don’t want to drink beer” Halsted says, “i want to be a philosopher.” Kite says, “You want to be morgan?” Halsted says, “i don’t want to drink beer either. well, flat beer.” Halsted says, “no, i don’t want to be morgan, i want to be a philosopher.” Kite says, “flat beer, that’s much more appealing” Halsted says, “i can’t drink carbonation.” Kite says, “how can anyone drink alcohol? it all tastes like turpentine.” Kite says, “why not?” Halsted says, “plumwine doesn’t.” Halsted says, “because the carbonation goes up my nose.” Halsted says, “i do not drink anything with carbonation in it” Kite says, “it does. anything containing alcohol tastes like turpentine.” Halsted says, “no it doesn’t.” Kite says, “I do not drink anything with alcohol in it.” Halsted says, “kahlua doesn’t. plumwine doesn’t.” Halsted says, “well, i don’t eat anything with stuff i don’t like in it, so that’s that.” Kite says, “it all does. everything I have ever tried has any individual flavor or difference overwhelmed by the TURPENTINE effect.” Halsted says, “maybe that’s psychosomatic.” Kite says, “I think wine coolers taste like pure turpentine.” Halsted says, “maybe you’re just having ta– what’s that word.” Halsted says, “not tactile.” Halsted says, “for taste.” Kite says, “it isn’t psychosomatic. I’ve tried things with an earnest heart.” Halsted says, “an earnest heart.” Halsted says, “i didn’t know you had one of those.” Halsted er. Halsted ducks! Kite says, “I keep it for such occasions.” Halsted says, “i have ernie’s heart.” Halsted says, “for such occasions” Kite says, “I mean, I know they say it’s all an acquired taste, but I really can’t stand to swallow it, period.” Halsted says, “well that’s cool with me. i’m not going to make you beer bong or anything.” Halsted says, “i hardly ever drink alcohol anymore anyway.” Kite quotes herself. Halsted laughs. Halsted says, “that reminds me of the eating at the keyboard log.” Kite says, “one of the Clydes is stuck on top of the box because it’s tilted a bit and he can’t skitter off of it.” Halsted says, “i want a clyde.” Kite says, “oh yeah, I always wanted to do something with that log, put it on my web page or something.” Halsted says, “you should have named them clyde, clyde, and formaldehyde. that would have been fun to say.” Halsted sings, o/~ clyde, clyde, and formaldehyde ~o Kite says, “I could bring you a Clyde. The one that bites.” Halsted says, “o gee thanks. don’t do me any favours there.” Halsted says, “‘here, have the defective one.’” Kite says, “He could learn” Halsted says, “he could be eaten by zen in a heartbeat.” Kite says, “or that.” Halsted says, “actually, she’d probably nibble his limbs off first.” Halsted says, “that’s what she does with bugs.” Kite says, “the neighbor’s cats found Nita in teh basement” Halsted says, “o dear.” Kite says, “the neighbor rescued her, took her somewhere to find out if she was a hamster, gave her food and water and kept her in a bucket all day after posting notes on all the doors of the house.” Kite says, “I think the neighbor is nice.” Halsted says, “whose neighbour is this?” Kite says, “Mine. it’s the guy upstairs, who has the cats.” Halsted says, “so wait, you got your hamster back.” Kite says, “yes” Halsted says, “i didn’t know she was named nita.” Kite says, “after a week in the basement” Halsted says, “i thought hamsters didn’t care about their names.” Kite says, “They don’t, but she has one anyway.” Halsted says, “i like the name nita.” Kite says, “I’m Nita on a pern mush” Halsted says, “so now you have nita and the clydes, and moly.” Kite says, “And the guinea pig.” Halsted says, “wait, what?” Halsted says, “you have a guinea pig?” Kite says, “I told you about the guinea pig!!” Halsted says, “next you’ll be telling me you have a brother” Halsted says, “‘nita and the clydes’ sounds like a rockabilly group.” Kite says, “I didn’t mean to get Clydes with Nita still alive. I had to pick up another aquarium tonight.” Halsted says, “o, tony is making you a tape of …” Halsted says, “i forget.” Halsted says, “kitchen something?” Halsted says, “bbc broadcast.” Kite says, “Hmm” Halsted says, “kitchens?” Kite says, “a group called?” Halsted says, “did you say you liked some band named kitchens?” Kite says, “Yes, kitchens of distinction” Halsted feels so old and dowdy. Halsted says, “yes. he’s taping you some bbc recordings of them.” Kite says, “Woo!” Kite says, “I have all their albums” Halsted says, “he said he doesn’t know what else to record for you. you prolly have all that he has, aside from the bbc recordings.” Kite says, “Could be” Halsted says, “i like ‘everything but the girl’ – do you like them?” Kite says, “I like a few things that I’ve heard, but don’t own anything.” Halsted says, “he taped me some.” Halsted says, “and … let’s see.” Kite says, “They did a pretty cool version of a smiths song once.” Halsted says, “two tapes full of ‘a midsummer night’s dream’” Halsted says, “and ray davies.” Kite says, “a midsummer night’s dream music?” Halsted says, “and another tape it’s downstairs.” Halsted says, “a midsummer night’s dream performance.” Kite says, “I used to write twenty-page letters to a guy in England” Halsted says, “you and tony should icq-hook-up.” Halsted says, “he is utterly groovable.” Kite says, “I really hate icq, I have to say.” Halsted says, “let’s go to brussels.” Kite says, “Except for talking to you” Halsted says, “okay, i like icq.” Kite says, “When I can’t any other way” Halsted says, “well, i’m going to show tony how to muck eventually, so.” Kite says, “it’s always squeaking in the bakcground and making me click things. it never flows“ Halsted says, “you could write email to each other. he writes exquisite emails.” Kite says, “we could write email” Halsted says, “i would like that.” Halsted says, “you go be friends with my friend now.” Halsted says, “ooga booga.” Kite says, “goddammit, you can’t be so nice and shary when I was jealous of him!” Halsted says, “jealous of him forwhy?” Kite says, “because he is so awesome and writes the best emails” Halsted says, “like i’m jealous of floyd?” Kite says, “and you got to know him like THIS all of a sudden and boom, he is one of the biggest people in your life” Halsted says, “because he is so awesome and has all-night talks with you.” Kite says, “I didn’t fit nearly so easy.” Halsted says, “well, it’s not like that happens all the time to me, or that i had any control over it.” Halsted says, “no, you didn’t.” Halsted says, “but you are my best friend.” Kite says, “I didn’t say it happened all the time, I said I was jealous” Halsted says, “so does it matter how you got here, if you’re here now, and i’m not willing to let you go?” Kite says, “Of course, I trust it more that you didn’t even say you liked me till after a year or more of seeing all my crap.” Kite says, “No, it doesn’t.” Halsted says, “i didn’t say i liked you because you’re not an easy person to tell that sort of thing to.” Halsted says, “i did like you for a long time before i said it.” Kite says, “When did you like me?” Halsted says, “since before christmas ‘97. hanging out at delusions with gast2 and cuisinart.” Kite says, “but you stopped talking to me” Halsted says, “yes.” Halsted says, “because i didn’t think you wanted me in your life, particularly.” Halsted says, “it’s not like you’re the easiest person to love or anything. i mean, you have major go-away-i-can-do-this-by-myself vibes. i’m glad i’m here now, and that i love you, but it wasn’t really easy because i’m awful – i go away at the first feeling of those vibes, instead of trying harder.” Kite says, “I never know when you’re thinknig that.” Halsted says, “but then i couldn’t stay away because you are so important to me.” Halsted says, “you never know when i’m thinking what?” Kite says, “I was surprised you invited me to chicago. we seemed so totally estranged for so long.” Kite says, “When you’re thinking that I want you to go away or something.” Halsted says, “i was trying to open that door back up.” Halsted says, “o, i usually think you want me to go away, except when you scritch me or make smileys at me.” Kite says, “I wasn’t sure whether I should go, but you had called me to wake me up that one morning and talking to you had made some small but important alteration in my concept of you.” Halsted says, “i won’t know what to do if you ask me to go away while you’re here.” Kite says, “I never want you to go away. I can skritch you more often if you want.” Halsted says, “i would like to be skritched more often by you. it makes me feel good, like you like me.” Halsted says, “i feel like i’m talking like tarzan tonight.” Halsted says, “ooga booga.” Halsted says, “i fully admit that i need a lot of reassurance in the liking department.” Halsted says, “which isn’t always feasible.” Kite says, “I feel like I’m exaggerating or playing to an audience whenever I’m at all demonstrative, not that I don’t feel that way but that I usually don’t have to express things.” Halsted says, “and if i ask for it, it negates it.” Halsted says, “well, i can understand that, although i don’t feel the same.” Halsted says, “being demonstrative is an integral part of who i am, see.” Kite nods Halsted says, “if i like someone a lot i want to touch them and hug them and be near them. and online the only translation for that is posing affection, which may seem canned or ingenuine, or like you said, played to an audience.” Kite says, “But it doesn’t look like it; it just feels like it will, to me, inside, when I think of doing it.” Halsted says, “maybe you can try just a little more and see how it works out. you can whisper it to me if you like.” Kite says, “I even worried that it would look scripted if I said I liked your tandem stuff lately. I mean, I thought it, earlier, and then I thought, maybe I should say that, hmm, like, maybe it’s not totally obvious.” Halsted says, “all i know is that i just light up inside when you say ‘Halsted!!’ to greet me or hug me or any of that.” Halsted says, “it wouldn’t look scripted. i want and need your feedback, positive and negative, on all tandem stuff.” Halsted removes the ‘tandem’ from that sentence. Halsted says, “i’m not just here because of tandem, you know.” Halsted says, “i’m here because of you.” Kite says, “I know” Halsted says, “and if we ever figure out how to talk on the damned phone together, i think i could show you that more.” Halsted says, “but i will settle for showing you in person in nine days.” Kite says, “can we talk before then?” Halsted says, “no.” Halsted says, “absolutely not.” Kite says, “gdmt” Halsted says, “starting NOW.” Halsted says, “er.” Halsted says, “we can talk before then.” Kite says, “ok” Halsted says, “do you want to talk before then?” Kite says, “yes” Halsted says, “are you talking talk talk or are you talking talk?” Kite cries. Halsted produces hanky. Kite HONK Halsted winces. Halsted says, “keep that.” Kite says, “You don’t love me!” Halsted says, “I DO!” Halsted says, “gdmt!” Halsted says, “i do i do i do i do i just don’t want your snot.” Kite says, “see? all I have to do is produce snot and you don’t love everything about me!” Halsted says, “what i meant to ask was, do you mean talk online talk, or talk on the phone talk.” Kite says, “I was talking about phone” Kite says, “I kind of assume we will talk online within the next nine days” Halsted says, “i don’t love your snot, no. it is a byproduct of your body and although you have a lovely body i’m not terribly interested in non-sentient waste.” Halsted says, “now SENTIENT waste, on the other hand” Halsted says, “i’m way into that.” Kite says, “does that mean babies?” Kite er Halsted says, “babies are sentient wa–” Halsted says, “i won’t even go there.” Halsted says, “that’s just a no-go-there.” Kite says, “oookay.” Halsted says, “you’re not pregnant, are you?” Kite says, “not unless we’re talking the Second Coming here.” Halsted says, “wow, was it that good for you?” Halsted er. Halsted says, “you do order ‘pokey stix’ quite a bit. it could be a euphemism.” Kite says, “mmhm” Halsted says, “‘sorry can’t talk tonight, i’m Ordering Pokey Stix’ [wink nudge cough]‘” Halsted says, “i’m not pregnant either.” Halsted says, “aren’t you glad?” Kite says, “Ok, now that we have that settled.” Halsted says, “why are we talking about this?” Kite says, “sentient waste” Halsted says, “is this all going into tandem?” Kite says, “Snot” Halsted says, “snot.” Kite says, “and because I cried about talk talk, or talk, which produced the snot” Halsted says, “okay, you don’t need to go all the way back.” Halsted says, “talk talk or talk produces snot. check.” Kite says, “I’m afraid to put this in tandem because it’ll look like we think we are being so very clever with every last thing we say.” Kite says, “Can we edit it?” Halsted says, “well, no, it’ll just look like we’re being goofy and how we usually are.” Halsted says, “sure we can edit it.” Kite says, “noooo no editing” Halsted says, “gdmt.” Kite says, “it has to be RAW” Kite says, “REAL” Kite says, “slice o LIFE” Halsted says, “RAW?” Halsted says, “REAL?” Halsted says, “slice o LIFE?” Kite says, “Damn straight” Halsted says, “you’re so confusing.” Kite says, “we’re on MTV” Halsted says, “o god.” Kite says, “exciting online interaction” Halsted says, “thrilling. titillating.” Kite says, “we aren’t titillating anyone.” Halsted says, “IN YOUR FACE WEB JOURNAL” Halsted says, “we’re not?” Kite flashes the audience. Kite says, “Now we are.” Halsted says, “maybe we are. you just don’t know what some people get off on.” Halsted says, “aha.” Halsted says, “have we been clever enough?” Kite says, “Whoa, my name is Kite. I was starting to think it was You.” Kite says, “hell no” Halsted laughs. Halsted sings, o/~ you say ~o Halsted gets lisa loeb firmly lodged in her ears. Halsted says, “god, lisa, get off of my face.” Halsted er. Kite says, “that may be costly to remove.” Halsted says, “are we going to the botanical gardens? i have a cell phone.” Kite says, “is that a really bad joke?” Halsted says, “in case we wander into the bad part of the garden.” Kite says, “oh, ok.” Halsted says, “no, it’s not a joke. i’m manic, these things are related.” Halsted says, “in case we get mugged by some uppity tulips.” Halsted says, “are you going to hold my hand?” Halsted says, “or is that gross.” Halsted says, “i don’t know where your personal girly boundaries are.” Kite says, “my personal girly boundaries are, like, me flouncing around and saying “I’m a girl!”” Kite says, “Anything else is fine” Halsted says, “i’m pretty sure you don’t get facials, pedicures, or go on thousand-dollar shopping sprees, but so far as the holding hands thing i’m lost.” Kite says, “well, those too.” Kite says, “holding hands is done by plenty of non-girly people.” Halsted says, “well, but two non-girly people of the same, um, biological predisposition?” Kite says, “well, you’re the girly! I thought we had this covered!” Halsted says, “o, so you’re the butch? can i say that?” Kite says, “Oh hell, I have to be the butch and like, be all pushy?” Halsted says, “what’s a butch, anyway.” Halsted says, “no, i’m the pushy girly.” Kite says, “I don’t know. Do I open doors for you?” Halsted says, “fuck no.” Kite says, “What do I do? Act surly? I cna do that.” Halsted says, “surly squid” Kite says, “goddammit” Halsted says, “you, um, protect your territory.” Kite says, “wtf is that” Halsted says, “pee in the corners. things like that.” Kite says, “I can’t pee in corners” Halsted says, “it’s just like peeing along straight lines, except intersected.” Halsted says, “wtf am i talking about?” Kite says, “I don’t, as a rule, pee on things.” Halsted says, “yes you do. you pee on toilet bowls.” Kite says, “that isn’t, er, aiming.” Halsted says, “you don’t have to aim.” Halsted says, “you just … go.” Kite says, “you do if you’re trying to mark something” Kite says, “or hit the corner” Halsted says, “well, dogs just lift legs, that’s not aiming, really.” Kite says, “that’s aiming” Halsted says, “no way.” Kite says, “yes way” Halsted says, “that’s getting leg out of the way so you don’t piss on it.” Kite says, “I guess that would come in handy.” Kite writes it down. Halsted too. Halsted copies everything kite does. Kite says, “You’re sure you remember who I am, right? I was the one in chicago who didn’t leave on the first day?” Halsted peers at you. Kite says, “Well, sometimes I want to ask just to be sure…” Kite says, “that you mean me.” Halsted says, “i mean you.”

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I acknowledge that I live and work on stolen Cowlitz, Clackamas, Atfalati, and Kalapuya land.
I give respect and reverence to those who came before me.